So I’m sitting on the toilet, concentrating. Pain killers can clog a person’s system if you’re not careful. The knickers and trousers are on the floor. (There’s a logistical reason for that but you really don’t want to know the details.)
Then, I see it. A rather large earwig is striding resolutely towards my clothing. Of course I immediately talk to it, quite firmly. “Hey! Hey! Turn around.” Needless to say it completely ignored me and marched ever onwards. Oh hell.
I haul up the clothing with one hand and try to deflect the insect with my foot. It avoids my toes and runs forward! I scream, drop the pants and then realise it’s now reached the other side; between my clothing and the toilet bowl. Nooooooo! I take a few deep breaths (not a good idea considering my purpose for being there) and decide there’s nothing to worry about if it keeps moving forward. It’ll work its way around the bowl and tuck itself up in a corner for a nap. No worries, right?
That’s when the flipping insect decides to turn around and march back again. I grab at the clothing in a vain attempt to lift it up before the earwig reaches the outer borders. I don’t get a decent grasp and the pants fall down again just as the insect is half way across the great divide. Arrrrrghgghghggg!
There’s only one thing I can do. I kick the whole lot off and push it away from me. When I have finished my business. I pick the clothing up to take it to the laundry. Time for a change of clothes. There’s no way I’m going to run the risk of an earwig crawling about my unmentionables. As I make my way back to the bathroom to wash my hands I see the darn earwig scurrying away into a dark corner. I find myself wondering whether the flipping thing did all that on purpose. I could swear I heard it laughing. Evil little critter!
What’s the point of earwigs, anyway? I know that everything has its place in the great scheme of things. Even flies do some good in the world. (They help pollinate plants. Also, if they didn’t birth their larvae in rotting carcasses we’d be knee deep in bodies by now.) But there are three insects that don’t seem to fulfil any useful purpose except, perhaps, as food for fish and spiders: mosquitoes, earwigs and (shudder) cockroaches.
So, why didn’t I just kill the earwig? 1) I’d have had to squish it with my bare feet. Ewww. 2) I try to order my life by the policy of live and let live. Every living creature has the right to exist, make a living and care for its family. Except cockroaches; they’re like brussel sprouts – pure evil. 3) It’s the Christmas season and it just didn’t seem right to celebrate the incarnation of the creator by killing one of his creatures.
However, I am totally bemused by the good Lord’s invention of these insects. Perhaps he made them simply to have a good laugh watching me squirm while seated on the throne. There’s probably some deep spiritual meaning to all this that has so far escaped me.
Happy New Year everyone. (Not you, cockroaches.)
On behalf of cockroaches, I doth protest…. 😛
Too bad, Michael! I think you’re just aligning yourself with them in case there’s a nuclear holocaust and they’re about the only ones who survive…just in case you make it through, too.
I too, am quite at a loss to explain the existence of earwigs. As for brussel sprouts – Simon wanted them for Christmas lunch. OK, I thought, they’re traditional Christmas fair (in the UK). There were leftovers, including the sprouts as most would not eat them & went for the peas instead. We fed the plate-leavings to the dogs & I now have bits of brussel sprouts all over the deck – dogs bit them & obviously spat them out in disgust. So, I quite agree with you about brussel sprouts!! Evil!!
🙂
I rest my case. 🙂
Another vote in favor of consigning brussel sprouts to some alternate universe where the inhabitants don’t mind food so horrific that your average carrion eater would make excuses about ‘having just eaten.’
My wife made some for our Christmas Eve dinner at my house, they sailed right by me. Because they are a recurring evil haunting the Holidays, they showed up again at Christmas dinner, some passive aggressive behavior of my brother-in-law I guess. Again, they whisked right by me.
I hate to admit it but my wife seems to actually like them. It all makes me wonder. She continues to tell me I should try some. She might be trying to murder me. If you think about it, the natural taste of a brussel sprout would be perfect to mask all sorts of bitter poisons. It all makes sense now; the severed brake lines, the banana peel left on the floor, the endless stream of brussel sprouts…
Be afraid, Rich. Be very afraid…
Did I ever mention that my first real job was in the School of Biology at Macquarie University?
Earwigs are among the recyclers, the cleanup artists of the underworld. They are also very communal and love to gather around a dying leaf for a chat and snack. They do eat aphids and mites. On the other hand they have a weakness for sweet corn and various flowers. No one yet has been able to train earwigs to concentrate on the aphids and leave the flowers alone. This remains one of the great unachieved tasks of science.
Thanks, Ken. Knowing that bit of information means they get taken off the list. I’m glad I didn’t kill the little guy. He probably shared the story with his mates, while tucking into some juicy aphids. They probably all had a good laugh.