When I first heard that the breast cancer I’d had in 1993 was back and chewing on my ribs, I was worried I wouldn’t make it until next Christmas. That’s because, in the last few years, a number of my friends have only lasted one more year after the cancer returned. But, my specialist has convinced me that it is highly likely that I have years yet. Woo hoo!
The thing that annoys me is that, last time, I had such a great peace about it. I decided I’d take my medicine and then I’d get better; it was just another illness. This time I know that eventually, no matter what we do, I won’t get better. My struggle has been to find the same level of peace as last time. However, rest assured dear reader, I’m getting there. One of the things that has helped me, is to remember that everyone dies of something, some time. None of us knows what will cause it, or when it will be. I could die in a car crash tomorrow. Having cancer doesn’t make me immune from everything else in life (which is a pity!).
In a way, people with a life-threatening condition are privileged, because we’ve been given warning and we’re forced to get a different perspective on life. It’s made me take another look at what is important to me. So that’s a good thing. As a result, I’ve narrowed my focus: family (including the animals, of course), friends, faith and fiction. (I want to say my work – reviewer, editor, writer – but I couldn’t resist the alliteration.)
I’ll be honest: there are times when I get a little scared. I’m not afraid of being dead. I’m scared I won’t get long enough to do everything I have on my list, and I’m a little nervous about the process of dying. I don’t want to die “badly”. I want to be a good role model to my kids and grandkids and I don’t want to distress them any more than is necessary. I don’t want to make my faith seem futile. And, I guess like everybody else, it’s the fear of the unknown. Death is the last uncharted territory. BUT, that’s not going to happen for quite some time – and then a bit more than that – so I’ll try not to worry about it until I need to.
Meanwhile I’m just going to live as though life’s continuing as normal (which it is!). After all I don’t want to waste the rest of my life being self-obsessed or only thinking about death. (Perish the thought!) Life is for living, dagnab it. I’m grateful that the cancer has forced me to concentrate on being the person I’m shaped to be and to enjoy the day I’m in. Sounds like a plan, right?
Have a nice day, everyone, and enjoy being you.
Thanks for your honesty, Wendy. Even though all my “ails” aren’t life threatening, I too am not afraid of death, it’s the way God has it planned for me to go is where the fear lies for me. I won’t give up on you. I’m continuing to pray as I have been… for healing! and if growth in certain areas is to happen, then that’s a big bonus I reckon! Luv Ya
Thanks, Pamela. I hang on to the truth that perfect love casts out fear. Thanks for your love and prayers. 🙂
re your previous blog, my thoughts were that the assassin is out to get all of us. You just happened to have seen yours. and you have had and will have the full range of emotions that the characters in your dream had. But at the end of all of that, you have told the assassin to leave for the time being. and yes, he is still out there somewhere, for all of us. Thank God he does not have the last laugh as his bullet will usher us into the next iteration of life where we will have true life for evermore! am I sounding super spiritual? I really had that sense when my Dad passed away last October that his life was going on, stronger than ever. The Lord gave us a brilliant song when we were planning his funeral.
About 2 nights after Dad died,not being able to sleep, I found a never heard before radio station in the USA on my Ipod. this is literally the first song I heard, and couldn’t help thinking it was Dad speaking to me about where he was and how he was feeling. It meant so much to me! Can’t wait to meet him again! Admittedly, he did get to the ripe old age of 83 and we all hope we can have a long, healthy life here on earth before moving on to the ‘big house’.
Love and prayers always, special lady!!!!!
Thanks, Meg. As you know, I too believe that life doesn’t end here. I’m looking forward to that great reunion one day. I have a lot of family and friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. Meanwhile I’m grateful for every day I get down here. Life is precious and fragile, so we shouldn’t waste a moment of it. 🙂
Hey Wendy, thanks for the wise words and the honesty. There was a movie I saw quite a few years ago where one of the characters was dealing with cancer and her grand daughter asked her ‘Are you dying nan?’ to which she replied ‘Not today honey, not today’. You are so right about not knowing how long we have, yet the thing that often spurs me is that ‘we are all dying, each and everyone, it just a matter of timing’.
Love to you Wendy and I pray that you get through your list, or better still, you get a longer list!
I believe Arthur C Clarke, when he was asked ‘what would you do if you found out you were dying’, responded, ‘Type faster’. I’m typing as fast as I can, and I hope you do as well.
tap, tap, tappity, tap… <3 Love to you, too.
Darn! My little heart thingee didn’t work. I’ll give it another go. <3 If it doesn't work, at least you know what I intend to say. 🙂
Wendy, found something else by Steve Jobs – Inspirational!
Hi everyone, Kay asked me also to distribute the bit of the Steve Jobs speech.
here is one of the links where you can find the full speech and below in bold the paragraph I read
http://articles.businessinsider.com/2011-10-06/tech/30249828_1_college-tuition-calligraphy-adoption
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything ? all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Inspirational stuff, John. Thanks for that. “There is no reason not to follow your heart.” I like it! 🙂
Wendy I don’t think there is any way that your kids don’t see you as a magical super hero. Yes, life is for living. Death will come when it comes, worrying will only use up good living. Besides, you must wait for me. Didn’t I say I’m coming to Australia???
Wise words, Lauri. Good on ya.