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There are a number of life’s little necessities that make me nervous: going to the dentist; remembering where I’ve parked the car at a shopping centre; plucking my eyebrows… All of them are based on a real experience that has taught me to beware. I had a most unpleasant experience at the petrol station a while ago, which has left an emotional scar. (Actually, I’ve had several but I’m only going to tell you one of them today.)

I hadn’t filled the car up for quite some time, as my darlin’ usually looked after it. This particular petrol station hadn’t bothered to change the labels on the pumps for years, which was good for me as it had taken me ten years to remember which flavour of petrol my car preferred.

I pulled up next to the pump and before I climbed out I blew my nose and gave it a good wipe. I was suffering from one of my annual colds and I didn’t want to have to see to the problem while I was paying for the petrol. There was a rotten cheese factory working overtime in my nasal passages. I didn’t want to inflict the poor station attendant with the gory sight of me blowing, snorting, wiping and filling up tissues by the bucketload. It’d be enough to put him off his dinner and possibly ruin him for custard for the rest of his life.

Having cleaned up my face (which still felt a little strange; my left cheek felt a little puckered up) I prepared to fill up the car. Oh no, the labels had finally been changed! I thought I should still use the one on the left like I always did before, but what if the Manager had decided to mix things around? My heart and stomach were saying: PANIC. PANIC. But, my brain rose to the occasion, with a sensible idea: ask someone.

(I brushed my still-puckered cheek with my hand and couldn’t feel anything, so I figured I was just twitchy.) I walked over to the gentleman in the next bay. He wore a suit and looked kind. I asked my question and he told me which pump to use, but he had a most peculiar expression on his face. I thought, “He must think I’m a real ditz! Ok, I’m not good with anything mechanical. I’m a bit of an idiot and I should know what I’m doing, but there’s no need to look like that. Lighten up, man!”

I went into the office to pay what I owed, and the fellow behind the counter had a similar expression. I figured, since it was a quiet day at the pump, he must have seen me ask the other customer for advice. Men! They get all superior about these sorts of things. He’s probably thinking, “Stupid woman. Fancy not knowing something so basic.” I walked back to the car feeling a tad stupid and extremely annoyed at the men’s judgmental attitude.

Before I started the car I adjusted the rear-view mirror. I took a quick peek to see if I needed to apply more lipstick and there it was. Clinging to my left cheek and staring back at me with an evil grin, was a long smear of pea-green snot.

Lessons learned:
1. Always check the rearview mirror before you get out of the car.
2. Never presume you know what someone else is thinking. You could be oh so wrong.