So I’m sitting on the toilet, concentrating. Pain killers can clog a person’s system if you’re not careful. The knickers and trousers are on the floor. (There’s a logistical reason for that but you really don’t want to know the details.)

Then, I see it. A rather large earwig is striding resolutely towards my clothing. Of course I immediately talk to it, quite firmly. “Hey! Hey! Turn around.” Needless to say it completely ignored me and marched ever onwards. Oh hell.

I haul up the clothing with one hand and try to deflect the insect with my foot. It avoids my toes and runs forward! I scream, drop the pants and then realise it’s now reached the other side; between my clothing and the toilet bowl. Nooooooo! I take a few deep breaths (not a good idea considering my purpose for being there) and decide there’s nothing to worry about if it keeps moving forward. It’ll work its way around the bowl and tuck itself up in a corner for a nap. No worries, right?

That’s when the flipping insect decides to turn around and march back again. I grab at the clothing in a vain attempt to lift it up before the earwig reaches the outer borders. I don’t get a decent grasp and the pants fall down again just as the insect is half way across the great divide. Arrrrrghgghghggg!

There’s only one thing I can do. I kick the whole lot off and push it away from me. When I have finished my business. I pick the clothing up to take it to the laundry. Time for a change of clothes. There’s no way I’m going to run the risk of an earwig crawling about my unmentionables. As I make my way back to the bathroom to wash my hands I see the darn earwig scurrying away into a dark corner. I find myself wondering whether the flipping thing did all that on purpose. I could swear I heard it laughing. Evil little critter!

What’s the point of earwigs, anyway? I know that everything has its place in the great scheme of things. Even flies do some good in the world. (They help pollinate plants. Also, if they didn’t birth their larvae in rotting carcasses we’d be knee deep in bodies by now.) But there are three insects that don’t seem to fulfil any useful purpose except, perhaps, as food for fish and spiders: mosquitoes, earwigs and (shudder) cockroaches.

So, why didn’t I just kill the earwig? 1) I’d have had to squish it with my bare feet. Ewww. 2) I try to order my life by the policy of live and let live. Every living creature has the right to exist, make a living and care for its family. Except cockroaches; they’re like brussel sprouts – pure evil. 3) It’s the Christmas season and it just didn’t seem right to celebrate the incarnation of the creator by killing one of his creatures.

However, I am totally bemused by the good Lord’s invention of these insects. Perhaps he made them simply to have a good laugh watching me squirm while seated on the throne. There’s probably some deep spiritual meaning to all this that has so far escaped me.

Happy New Year everyone. (Not you, cockroaches.)