Self-pity is a force that is counter-productive and is the enemy of creativity.
I had a bad day, yesterday. It left me feeling down and, I admit it, just a little sorry for myself. Okay, I felt lots sorry for myself. Dang! Now I’m annoyed with myself for using lousy grammar. Damn and blast! I shall start again.
Yesterday I had to get up over an hour earlier than usual and it went downhill from there. There is no way I should ever be forced to wake up before the rest of my body is ready. I had to drive over an hour to get to a nine am appointment. You do the maths. After waiting since December 2010 to get into a treatment program (for lymphoedema) at a certain public hospital, I finally snapped. I haven’t been able to buy a compression sleeve for nearly a year and now my fat arm is not only twice the size of the other, it throbs…a lot. I’d called the hospital and asked, most politely, if they could give me an indication of when I was likely to get treatment. After several more phone calls throughout three weeks of waiting for the “guy who has the password to the computer” to get around to returning my call, and still no answer, I put the phone down and cried. Then, I searched the internet, found a private treatment centre over an hour away and begged for an appointment. I knew it would cost us money we really can’t afford but I’m desperate. They had a cancellation and a week later I set off at the crack of dawn, through thick pea-soup fog, to get some help. I got some therapy, but loads of questions and a promise that they’ll call the guy at the hospital because I should really go there and still no compression sleeve and… Arrggghhh! Why does it have to be so damn hard?
So, I sat there in the clinic justifying why I called them for help and I had to list my medications and ailments. I began, still feeling rather chipper. By the end of it I realised my warranty ran out years ago and it’s probably only rust and chewing gum that’s holding me together. I drove home feeling shattered. I began to think about my life and dreams, taking into account that I’m turning mumble mumble this year. (Oh hell, I’m getting old!) Still no book published (the agent is yet to get back to me). I spend most of my time at home working on other people’s books. Don’t get me wrong; I get a great deal of satisfaction doing it, especially when I see the finished product in print, but still… it’s their books not mine. I don’t really do much else.
Last night we went to watch our six-year-old granddaughter play her very first game of netball. I pictured one netball court. But no, it was netball kingdom on steroids. Courts full of eager little netballers and their freezing-cold-wrapped-in-parkas-and-blankets-doting families, stretched away into the horizon. Of course, we parked at the wrong end. Of course, I didn’t bring my walking stick. I sat there like a decrepit old granny watching my darling grandie leaping about the court – so young, so fit, so adorable – and I thought to myself: That used to be me. Afterwards, I hobbled back to the car feeling every bit of my age and decrepitude. (The dictionary defines that word as: The crazy state of the body produced by decay or age.)
So today, I’m sorry, my mind’s a blank. I can’t think of anything to write my blog about. You’ll just have to wait until next week. I should be well and truly back into the land of blissful denial by then and the creative juices will once more be flowing like a soda stream.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, ‘math’? Have we finally been taken over by the good ol’ US of A? Please, it’s ‘maths’ here in the lucky country of Australia. I have a daughter who says ‘laundry’ for ‘washing’ and ‘bathroom’ for loo. Her defense…she has lived in Vancouver for far too long and has slipped out of her ‘Australianisms’. What’s your excuse? XXX
A typo! I shall attempt to edit and correct. Be kind to me, Chris, I’m still having a bad day. 🙂
Wendy, if you don’t mind me saying, I find this a great inspiration!
Not only do you have days like this, but I do too.
I sit there and point out all that’s wrong with me and how I still don’t have any ‘real’ interest in my photography from anyone, I read this post and I feel inspired that I am not the only one!
Self pity days make us feel horrible, but if by the end of that day you can re-align yourself to fix your eyes on your dream (or prize!) the day is nearly always worth it.
Finding a new driving force, a new kick in the pants (so to speak!) is always worth it.
Keep up the great work Wendy! I will be so proud when you do get your book published 🙂 I’ll buy many copies and ask you to sign at least one 😀
We shall try to cheer each other on. 🙂
Dear Dear Wendy, you are truly loved – just know that!
My heart went out to you as I read your blog. I had actually been concerned this week as you hadn’t been on facebook. Your blog ‘that isn’t a blog’ is really good.
There are many of us who love and care about you, so keep writing your blogs even when you don’t write a blog!!??
Cheers Pamela
Thanks, Pamela. 🙂
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! I know you are a stickler for correctness and I am pleased to see that you managed to correct it.
Am sorry you are still having a bad day. I will go easier on you, for sure!
No worries, Chris. 🙂
That was a wonderful example to me of what a blog should be, Wendy. Yes, it is full of self, but surely, that is what a blog is about? Your thoughts, your feelings, even on the bad days. And sometimes, just maybe, reading about how pitiful someone else feels, might just make us realise how pitiful our own complaints are, in the context of the world in which we live.
So, keep it up, thanks. 🙂 And I hope and pray you find that peaceful, if not happy, place to go to after your bad day is over.
Thank you, Michael. Today, while standing in line waiting to have a book signed at a friend’s book launch, someone said something very similar. They came up to tell me that they found this blog “encouraging”. It made my day. It’s a wonderful thing to discover that one’s public whinge has had such positive effects! I shall do my best to “keep it up”. 🙂
Thanks in favor of sharing such a good thought,
paragraph is nice, thats why i have read it fully