The 2011 International Book Awards are out and once more I’m not featured in any category. A couple of my friends did well and I’m very happy for them. They’ve worked hard and they’ve written quality material, so they deserve their success. Good on ’em.

I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve figured out what’s holding me back. The truth is, there’s only one thing standing in my way. If I can overcome that one thing I’ll soon find myself in a list of finalists too. For your enlightenment and, perhaps, for your own personal growth I’m prepared to make myself vulnerable and to tell you what that one thing is. In order to get my book listed as a winner in any book award, all I have to do (it’s quite simple really) is get one published. Don’t know why I haven’t thought of it sooner!

I read the other day that a lady who has recently been on TV helping large people diminish in size by screaming at them to act like legendary black-clad Japanese assassins, has just got a 3-book deal with a local publisher. Not “How to stop being obese” books. Not “Diet and Work-out” books. Children’s books! Children’s!

I’m not jealous. Truly I’m not. I understand why it’s her and not me: she’s ninja-trim, blonde and has a TV-boosted profile. I’m ancient-emperor-fat, brunette and have a small facebook profile. Even I can spot the difference. I’m sure she’s a talented writer. They say she is. She’s a “well-known journalist” that I’d never heard of until the Fat Show, but she’s from interstate so perhaps that’s why.

I know what you’re thinking: Bad case of sour grapes, old girl; don’t be so bitter and twisted, Noble; jealousy doesn’t become you, brown-haired fat girl. And, you’re right. I’ve got to take those lemons and turn them into lemon butter. (mmmm…lemmonnnn butterrrrrr) I’ve got to find a way to make me more attractive to the publishers’ bean-counters. I’ve got to find a way to look as though I can make those blokes some cash. (Of course, I’m taking it for granted you know I know I’ve got to write a half-decent book. No point stating the obvious.) Right! Thinking cap on… Ninja-screaming commenced… Watch this space.

On a serious note, my congratulations to the lady in question. It’s not easy for anyone to get a publishing deal and I’m sure the books’ll be great. I just hope I get a chance to review them for you. I promise I’ll be impartial. Smiley face.