How to spot spam.

How do you spot a spammer on your blog?

1. They use terminology which implies you’re a man, when your name and photo clearly show you’re a woman. Unless, the unplucked hairs on the upper lip are causing some confusion!

2. They thank you for the information, which is just what they’ve been looking for, when you’ve written about the dog disgracing himself on the living room carpet. Unless, there really are hundreds of people with computer software/diet programs/methods for penis-enlargement that are desperate to know how I react to my dog’s lack of control.

3. They use the same message for every single post. ‘Hey bro/man, my sister/husband/brother/cousin showed me this post. It’s just the information I’ve been looking for.’ Is that all you can say, every time? Really? You obviously haven’t taken in the stuff I’ve been saying about being a good writer. Pay attention, dude/man/bro! Unless, I really am so good that there’s nothing else to say.

4. They write in a form of English that is not just awkward, or even broken, but totally smashed. Scattered throughout are key words: software, programme and ‘satisfy’. I don’t have a problem when English is the second language for the writer. I would have the same difficulty writing fluently in French or Latin (the only two foreign languages I vaguely know). But gobbledy-gook is a completely different ballgame. Unless, the writer really does come from Gobbledy-gook Land, in which case I humbly apologise.

5. When the name of the sender is a combination of letters and numbers; EG: Ubs33wshsjaksz. Now, I realise that there are places in this world where one can find almost indecipherable names, but I have yet to find any that include numbers. Of course, I haven’t allowed for Gobbledy-gook Land, so…

For all wanna-be spammers out there:
* I don’t want to know about the you-beaut plug-in, up-load, down-load, app thingee that will drive, direct, increase the whatever-the-heck for my blog. I’m happy muddling along as I am.
* I don’t appreciate you using my blog as a sneaky way to promote whatever-the-heck you’re selling. Get onto Google Ads and maybe they’ll include you in the selection of bona fide ads that accompany this site.
* I don’t want my penis enlarged.
* You’re welcome to visit any time. I appreciate a friendly discussion and my little ego loves the compliments. But please don’t waste my time with your spam, I’ll just keep deleting it. Obviously, you have no life to speak of, if this is the best thing you can find to fill in your time. Maybe you’re shut away in a spam-sweatshop, churning out useless bumf for a tyrannical overseer, trying to earn a few pesos/pula/dollars to feed your starving family. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense to me. In which case, I will pray for you but, I won’t send money. See if you can contact someone from World Vision, or Oxfam, or Save an Orphan, or another aid agency. You need help and they’re there to give it.

Meanwhile, greetings to my regular – genuine – readers. Hope you’re having a sunshiny, spam-free day.

4 Comments

  1. Jon
    Aug 20, 2011

    Spot on, Wendy. Spam filters are still the best. But some spammers can be amusing, especially when their engrish isn’t up to scratch! Who would take spam seriously though? Well, love to chat but need to chase up my order of “Look like Brad Pitt in 30 Days” pills. My emails to that mob have been bouncing ever since I paypaled the $499.99 to them. If I ever receive them, I’ll send Jeff a few! Ha ha. Catch ya later!

    • Wendy Noble
      Aug 22, 2011

      The pills are probably still in Nigeria, Jon. I’m happy to get them for you when I go to collect my lottery money. Apparently I’ve won a huge amount of money without even entering the draw! 🙂

  2. Trevor Hampel
    Aug 20, 2011

    Well said, Wendy. I feel exactly the same way about them as you do (except that bit about the photo – oh, and the upper lip hair.) My son installed Akismet on all three of my sites several years ago. In a few weeks’ time the combined total of spam comments on the 3 sites will pass the half million mark (currently 470,000). Some people need to get real.

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