Still here, hey?

If you’re reading this it means the world hasn’t ended yet. Here’s some free advice: never trust anyone who gives you a date for the apocalypse. The Bible says it’ll be a complete surprise and not even Jesus knows the date. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but it won’t happen when some looney-bug in the USofA says it will. Life’s an ephemeral thing. It seems like only yesterday I was bringing my first child, my boy, home from hospital. I was scared stiff I’d do something awful like forget to feed him, or throw him out with the vegetable peelings. (I’ve lost a couple of good knives that way.) Now he’s about to turn mumble mumble… He’s older in his body than I am in my head! How did that happen so fast? I feel as though I haven’t quite got started yet, and I’m running out of years. Someone stop that hamster from spinning the wheel! My friend, Jimmy, died this week. He had lung cancer and, considering his age and other health issues, he did well to last as long as he did. But, still…it always comes sooner than you expect. I’ll miss him. He was such a darling old man. Whenever he saw me, his arms would fling wide open and he’d tilt his head ready for a kiss. Then he’d start to sing: Take the ribbons from your hair… He was a recovering alcoholic; he had trouble with his memory (thanks to the years on the booze); he had no teeth, and he needed a lot of care. On the face of it you’d be forgiven for thinking he didn’t contribute much to society, but that’s where you’d be wrong. He loved his wife, he loved his God, he loved his family and he loved everyone else he met. He had a heart full of love, a song on his lips (pretty much the same one: Take the ribbons…) and a ready laugh. He made us happy. He might have messed up in the early years, but he sure finished well. I expect there are some now very embarrassed people in America, and there’ll be a plethora of “witty” ridicule from non-believers. (The members of the, “It’s the end of the world, let’s go looting” club are particularly classy.) But, I say, let’s treat this as a second chance to get it right. Let’s follow Jimmy’s example and spread the love,...

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And the award goes to…

The 2011 International Book Awards are out and once more I’m not featured in any category. A couple of my friends did well and I’m very happy for them. They’ve worked hard and they’ve written quality material, so they deserve their success. Good on ’em. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve figured out what’s holding me back. The truth is, there’s only one thing standing in my way. If I can overcome that one thing I’ll soon find myself in a list of finalists too. For your enlightenment and, perhaps, for your own personal growth I’m prepared to make myself vulnerable and to tell you what that one thing is. In order to get my book listed as a winner in any book award, all I have to do (it’s quite simple really) is get one published. Don’t know why I haven’t thought of it sooner! I read the other day that a lady who has recently been on TV helping large people diminish in size by screaming at them to act like legendary black-clad Japanese assassins, has just got a 3-book deal with a local publisher. Not “How to stop being obese” books. Not “Diet and Work-out” books. Children’s books! Children’s! I’m not jealous. Truly I’m not. I understand why it’s her and not me: she’s ninja-trim, blonde and has a TV-boosted profile. I’m ancient-emperor-fat, brunette and have a small facebook profile. Even I can spot the difference. I’m sure she’s a talented writer. They say she is. She’s a “well-known journalist” that I’d never heard of until the Fat Show, but she’s from interstate so perhaps that’s why. I know what you’re thinking: Bad case of sour grapes, old girl; don’t be so bitter and twisted, Noble; jealousy doesn’t become you, brown-haired fat girl. And, you’re right. I’ve got to take those lemons and turn them into lemon butter. (mmmm…lemmonnnn butterrrrrr) I’ve got to find a way to make me more attractive to the publishers’ bean-counters. I’ve got to find a way to look as though I can make those blokes some cash. (Of course, I’m taking it for granted you know I know I’ve got to write a half-decent book. No point stating the obvious.) Right! Thinking cap on… Ninja-screaming commenced… Watch this space. On a serious note, my congratulations to the lady in question. It’s not easy for anyone to get a publishing deal and I’m sure the books’ll be great. I just hope I get a chance to review them for you. I promise I’ll be impartial. Smiley...

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The hunt is over.

So the USA finally got their man. You have to admire their perseverance, even if you don’t like the way it ended. Personally I’d prefer capture and trial, instead of a Dodge-City-kill-the-bad-guy mentality. After WWII the Nurembourg trials were really important. The allies who ran the trial showed they were different to the Nazis by their determination to reach a fair verdict in a court of law. Justice was seen to be done. The world learned of the Nazis’ atrocities and consequently their actions and philosopy were declared a stain on history’s page. Hitler was revealed (among other things) as an ego-maniac with disturbing sexual proclivities and serious tendency to mass-murder. No one – apart from a lunatic fringe – emulates him or his friends as heroes. It’s a pity there wasn’t the opportunity for Mr Bin Laden to undergo the same process. I guess the US forces will eventually (if not already) undergo a bout of “if onlys”, but what’s done is done and we must now live with the consequences. I expect there’ll soon be a race to be the first to produce a movie: The Hunt for Bin Laden starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt. There’ll probably be an atrocious made-for-television one as well. (First doesn’t always mean best.) It’s certainly a dramatic story. I hope it’s the end of this saga, but I have an awful feeling it’s only Part One…To Be Continued. That’s often the way these stories go: The Son of…; Return to the…; The X Strikes Back… The only problem is, this isn’t a...

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