I had an unfortunate experience in the bathroom a while ago, which taught me an important life lesson and reinforced an old one. I’d stepped out of the shower and as I towelled myself dry I thought, “While I’m here I might as well tidy up the old eyebrows.” So far, so good.
I opened up the drawer, took out the tweezers and leaned forward over the counter so that I could see myself in the mirror. Without my glasses I’m nearly blind, so if I don’t lean in the face is just a murky blur. It’s an interesting artistic effect but not helpful when one has to do some pruning.
Halfway through the first eyebrow I realised I’d left the drawer open. (This explained the strange pressure on my abdomen every time I went in for a close-up.) So, I slammed the drawer shut. Unfortunately I hadn’t allowed for the “Dangle Factor”. I forget that when my boob is unencumbered, it’s not as perky as it was 30 years ago. These days it resembles a deflated seedless watermelon. That’s a lot of dangle.
I’d read it in books, and discounted it as poetic license, but I’m here to tell you: tears can actually spurt out of one’s eyes. And that’s what happened: tears spurting and lots of dancing on my toes sqawking and gurgling in agony.
I’ve only got one boob so I need to take better care of it. I used to have two, but I lost one. No – I didnt leave it on a bus or drop it out of my pocket in a park somewhere. It was taken from me by a very nice Egyptian/Australian surgeon, simply because it was riddled with cancer. I miss the old girl. So does her twin. In fact the whole upper-half of my body isn’t the same without her.
So here’s the life lessons learned and reinforced: 1) Take care of your boobs and get them regularly checked, even though a mammogram feels very similar to having a drawer slammed on them. 2) Whatever you do, before you shut the drawer, LOOK DOWN! (Men, there are reasons why this is also good advice for you. Think about it.)